Post by undercoverlad on Sept 15, 2015 16:27:54 GMT
1. Much like most people, I have spent numerous amounts of my time using my feelings to make decisions for me. However, most of the time when these decisions are made, there is a deep and dark regret that shadows me everywhere. I am sure that many of us have spent time pondering why we made the decisions that were seemingly illogical when we have time to properly use our hindsight. One must ask why do we not listen to the logician inside all of us and blindly follow our feelings. To be clear, there can be a great many wonderful and beautiful things that come from purely following our feelings.
There was one specific event last year that illicits horrible memories that ended with me being broken and defeated by believing that my feelings could not be wrong. The lady of my interest shall simply be called Ms. Leading. It all began sometime last year where Ms. Leading and I were talkingto the point where it could be argued that we were dating a little bit. As time progressed the mutual feelings that we had for each other started growing immensely. It soon got to the point where we explicitly told each each that we loved each other. Of course, like most people, I was estatic because it had been sometime since someone had told me those words in a romatic manner. However, she had told me that she wasn't ready for a relationship, which I could understand and I had no intention of forcing her into anything. I just cared for her so much that I had to treat the whole situation like a butterfly--where I could hold onto it, but not to tightly or else I would run the risk of crushing everything. At this point I was stupidly intoxciated with love of all these seemingly happy feelings. It was not until one night where I was at Target with my friend and I saw her with a guy. Mind you, they weren't holding hands or anything, but she seemed genuinely happy and it looked like they were innocently shopping. Fair enough. But, she had told me about a guy that she would occasionally see on and off. I had never met this gentlemen before, but when I saw the guy that she was with, I had a strong feeling that it was the guy that she previosuly mentioned.
Naturally, I could feel my heart physically disintergrating into nothing. To say the least, I had become emotionally numb. However, I still wanted to believe in her and maybe I was just overthinking things. Perhaps, it was my love for her that clouded my judgment and made me think that I still had a chance. There was this nagging feeling, which I know now was the logician in me telling me I never had a chance with her in the first place. For sometime, the logician had been deeply surpressed because my emotions went rampant to such a degree where it totally caged up the logician in me. I say this because I would consider myself a very logical and analytical person, but when I have emotions, I feel them greatly. As time progressed, I began to not feel the same anymore because of the event that transpired at Target. It finally got to the point where deep down I felt that I should just give up and the last thing she told me was pretty much to **** off. Just to be clear, this is not verbatum, but what she said essentially meant me to just leave, which I did.
One Year Later.
It has almost been a year since we last spoke to each other. I had begun to forget that she existed and I was finally in a good place where I was finally getting over her and working on myself spirtitually, emotionally, and psychologically. I was very proud of myself for actually growing as a person and not drowning in my woes. Much like before, I had a feeling that I couldn't shake off, it was a feeling where Ms. Leading would stumble back into my life. I was not looking to talk to her ever again and I never thought we'd see each other again because I deleted her number from my phone right after the incident where she told me to leave. She called me one night after I got off of work to grab a few drinks and at first I was hesitant to see her, but as a mature person, I decided it was a good idea to see her again to maybe bury the hatchet and let bygones be bygones. Unfortunately, I made a bad decision. Not because things went horribly, it is because seeing her brought up feelings that I had no intention of feeling. Because of these feelings, I thought may be this was a great coincidence and maybe it was the work of the universe giving me a second chance with her. I say this because we had a long and mature talk about our feelings and how things ended the last time. She did tell me that she had feelings for me as well. In my mind, it felt like we werdid not feel like just a coincidence because after a year of not talking, we still had very strong feelings for each other.
One would think that this would end on a happy note. Ha. This seems to be another lesson that everything that glitters is not gold. This has not yet ended since I am currently stuck in this limbo. However, I will say that I have come to a realization that I no longer want a part of this. It is time I sever my mind from my heart in this situation. Just because the heart has its reasons, reason, itself, knows nothing.
After looking to Buddhism for spiritual growth, I can say that I am not a violent person at all. I can always talk my way out of things because humans are quick to takr action rather than sitting and working with the evidence around them. I like to use my brain before I act. I am very analytical and I like to calculate every possible scenario to an event based on my action and if I know the person well enough, their actions as well. To avoid wasiting time on certain things or people, I really have to sit down and see if that specific thing or person will be good for me as a human. What I mean by this is will they help me grow as a person and not remain stagnant.
2. There have been many coincidences in my life that I have not been able to explain. Well, that is not entirely true because I can explain it, but when I explain, I sound like a loon. A lot of the coincidences that have occured in my life have been because there are times where I feel completely at one with the universe rather than a seperate entity. It is the knowledge of the self and the understandinging of the things around me that made me come to the realization that I am the universe experiencing itself in a human form.
Just a few days ago, I was stuck at a red light with my niece around 1am, so of course there's not going to be any cars on the road. And there wasn't. However, turning left on Grand from my neighborhood seemed impossible because we were stuck at that red light for more than a minute or so. My niece was telling me about her day because she just passed her permit test, but I was getting a little frustrated with the light not changing. Then I thought to myself, "What if I simply restart my phone and see if that has an effect?" I thought of this because I felt as though we were frozen in time or maybe there was a glitch in the universe. So, I simply rebooted my phone and as soon as my phone came back on, the light turned green. I was actually pretty happy because it felt like a coincidence, but at the same time, I don't think it was. However, it is something I truly cannot explain.
Another interesting coincidence that happened to me right before I took a test. It was last fall. I don't recall studying for a test that I had. I had a decent grasp of the material, but I would have felt more comfortable if I would have studied. Fortunately, my professor had us do this exercise where we would simply breathe in and out. However, for some reason that day I was able to either predict the future or bend the universe to my will. When I closed my eyes, it felt as though I was in a deep form of meditation and the first thing I saw was the number 85. There was no percentage or anything. It was simply the number 85. I finished the test feel pretty decent about it. When we got our test back, I was anticipating if that 85 had meant anything. When I received my test, I got an 84.5%. I remembered that my professor rounds up. Ergo, I got an 85% on my test. Another interesting coincidence that I cannot explain very well becase I, too, didn't think that things would turn out the way it did.There are numerous things that I know, but I don't know how I know them.
If I were speaking to a skeptic about my experiences that I have noted as coincidences, they would inform me that they are nothing more than just mere coincidences. Or maybe the statistical chances of the red light played in the favor of a time delay in the engineering that went into that specific street light. Also, it could have been the recent construction they have been doing to the street lights on a major intersection in my city (Diamond Bar Blvd and Grand). Because these events happened to me becaused I "wished" them to be, it is difficult to look at these things as just a coincidence. Even on the test I took, I didn't cheat or anything. I just took the test to the best of my abilities. Yes, it could be argued that maybe I knew the material and didn't need to study to receive a B, so if I actually did study, then perhaps I would have received and A. However, looking back at these events via hindsight does not give anyone answers to what truly happened, so it is diffcult for anyone, including myself, to know exactly what and why these things happened.
There was one specific event last year that illicits horrible memories that ended with me being broken and defeated by believing that my feelings could not be wrong. The lady of my interest shall simply be called Ms. Leading. It all began sometime last year where Ms. Leading and I were talkingto the point where it could be argued that we were dating a little bit. As time progressed the mutual feelings that we had for each other started growing immensely. It soon got to the point where we explicitly told each each that we loved each other. Of course, like most people, I was estatic because it had been sometime since someone had told me those words in a romatic manner. However, she had told me that she wasn't ready for a relationship, which I could understand and I had no intention of forcing her into anything. I just cared for her so much that I had to treat the whole situation like a butterfly--where I could hold onto it, but not to tightly or else I would run the risk of crushing everything. At this point I was stupidly intoxciated with love of all these seemingly happy feelings. It was not until one night where I was at Target with my friend and I saw her with a guy. Mind you, they weren't holding hands or anything, but she seemed genuinely happy and it looked like they were innocently shopping. Fair enough. But, she had told me about a guy that she would occasionally see on and off. I had never met this gentlemen before, but when I saw the guy that she was with, I had a strong feeling that it was the guy that she previosuly mentioned.
Naturally, I could feel my heart physically disintergrating into nothing. To say the least, I had become emotionally numb. However, I still wanted to believe in her and maybe I was just overthinking things. Perhaps, it was my love for her that clouded my judgment and made me think that I still had a chance. There was this nagging feeling, which I know now was the logician in me telling me I never had a chance with her in the first place. For sometime, the logician had been deeply surpressed because my emotions went rampant to such a degree where it totally caged up the logician in me. I say this because I would consider myself a very logical and analytical person, but when I have emotions, I feel them greatly. As time progressed, I began to not feel the same anymore because of the event that transpired at Target. It finally got to the point where deep down I felt that I should just give up and the last thing she told me was pretty much to **** off. Just to be clear, this is not verbatum, but what she said essentially meant me to just leave, which I did.
One Year Later.
It has almost been a year since we last spoke to each other. I had begun to forget that she existed and I was finally in a good place where I was finally getting over her and working on myself spirtitually, emotionally, and psychologically. I was very proud of myself for actually growing as a person and not drowning in my woes. Much like before, I had a feeling that I couldn't shake off, it was a feeling where Ms. Leading would stumble back into my life. I was not looking to talk to her ever again and I never thought we'd see each other again because I deleted her number from my phone right after the incident where she told me to leave. She called me one night after I got off of work to grab a few drinks and at first I was hesitant to see her, but as a mature person, I decided it was a good idea to see her again to maybe bury the hatchet and let bygones be bygones. Unfortunately, I made a bad decision. Not because things went horribly, it is because seeing her brought up feelings that I had no intention of feeling. Because of these feelings, I thought may be this was a great coincidence and maybe it was the work of the universe giving me a second chance with her. I say this because we had a long and mature talk about our feelings and how things ended the last time. She did tell me that she had feelings for me as well. In my mind, it felt like we werdid not feel like just a coincidence because after a year of not talking, we still had very strong feelings for each other.
One would think that this would end on a happy note. Ha. This seems to be another lesson that everything that glitters is not gold. This has not yet ended since I am currently stuck in this limbo. However, I will say that I have come to a realization that I no longer want a part of this. It is time I sever my mind from my heart in this situation. Just because the heart has its reasons, reason, itself, knows nothing.
After looking to Buddhism for spiritual growth, I can say that I am not a violent person at all. I can always talk my way out of things because humans are quick to takr action rather than sitting and working with the evidence around them. I like to use my brain before I act. I am very analytical and I like to calculate every possible scenario to an event based on my action and if I know the person well enough, their actions as well. To avoid wasiting time on certain things or people, I really have to sit down and see if that specific thing or person will be good for me as a human. What I mean by this is will they help me grow as a person and not remain stagnant.
2. There have been many coincidences in my life that I have not been able to explain. Well, that is not entirely true because I can explain it, but when I explain, I sound like a loon. A lot of the coincidences that have occured in my life have been because there are times where I feel completely at one with the universe rather than a seperate entity. It is the knowledge of the self and the understandinging of the things around me that made me come to the realization that I am the universe experiencing itself in a human form.
Just a few days ago, I was stuck at a red light with my niece around 1am, so of course there's not going to be any cars on the road. And there wasn't. However, turning left on Grand from my neighborhood seemed impossible because we were stuck at that red light for more than a minute or so. My niece was telling me about her day because she just passed her permit test, but I was getting a little frustrated with the light not changing. Then I thought to myself, "What if I simply restart my phone and see if that has an effect?" I thought of this because I felt as though we were frozen in time or maybe there was a glitch in the universe. So, I simply rebooted my phone and as soon as my phone came back on, the light turned green. I was actually pretty happy because it felt like a coincidence, but at the same time, I don't think it was. However, it is something I truly cannot explain.
Another interesting coincidence that happened to me right before I took a test. It was last fall. I don't recall studying for a test that I had. I had a decent grasp of the material, but I would have felt more comfortable if I would have studied. Fortunately, my professor had us do this exercise where we would simply breathe in and out. However, for some reason that day I was able to either predict the future or bend the universe to my will. When I closed my eyes, it felt as though I was in a deep form of meditation and the first thing I saw was the number 85. There was no percentage or anything. It was simply the number 85. I finished the test feel pretty decent about it. When we got our test back, I was anticipating if that 85 had meant anything. When I received my test, I got an 84.5%. I remembered that my professor rounds up. Ergo, I got an 85% on my test. Another interesting coincidence that I cannot explain very well becase I, too, didn't think that things would turn out the way it did.There are numerous things that I know, but I don't know how I know them.
If I were speaking to a skeptic about my experiences that I have noted as coincidences, they would inform me that they are nothing more than just mere coincidences. Or maybe the statistical chances of the red light played in the favor of a time delay in the engineering that went into that specific street light. Also, it could have been the recent construction they have been doing to the street lights on a major intersection in my city (Diamond Bar Blvd and Grand). Because these events happened to me becaused I "wished" them to be, it is difficult to look at these things as just a coincidence. Even on the test I took, I didn't cheat or anything. I just took the test to the best of my abilities. Yes, it could be argued that maybe I knew the material and didn't need to study to receive a B, so if I actually did study, then perhaps I would have received and A. However, looking back at these events via hindsight does not give anyone answers to what truly happened, so it is diffcult for anyone, including myself, to know exactly what and why these things happened.